The End of Everything
by Drogna
Summary: Two short pieces set during the Aenar. Trip is still recovering from radiation sickness, but T'Pol is continuing to occupy his thoughts. Meanwhile T'Pol is confused, and trying not to think about the reason for her confusion.
1. Let Me In

The End of Everything

By Thalia Drogna

Disclaimer: Enterprise doesn't belong to me, if it did then I wouldn't have cancelled it after only four series.

Rating: PG-13

Archive: yes, just ask first.

Spoilers: United, The Aenar and most of Season Three.

AN: Sequel to Contamination. Set after United and during The Aenar. More of Trip's thoughts on his relationship with T'Pol.

* * *

Oh simple thing where have you gone  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin 

And if you have a minute why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything.

Somewhere Only We Know, Keane

* * *

Lieutenant Reed arrived at sick bay to find Trip asleep. Reed wasn't surprised, Trip had only been moved out of Decon the day before and was still suffering from a severe case of radiation poisoning. The Romulans had tried to kill him and he was actually lucky to be alive. Reed sat down beside his friend to wait for him to wake up. 

Trip stirred and opened his eyes, stretching as he did so. He blinked and noticed Malcolm beside him.

"Hi," said Trip, sleepily. "You been here long?"

"Just arrived," said Reed. "How are you feeling?"

"Well on the good side I'm not puking my guts up every half hour," said Trip. "On the bad side, Phlox is still treating me like his own private blood bank, and the anti-radiation meds keep sending me to sleep."

"You sure it isn't just that you're worn out after everything that you've been through? You've had a rough few days," said Reed.

"Yeah, I feel like I've been put through the wringer," said Trip. "What's been going on while I've been out of it?"

"Not much so far. The Tellarite ambassador has gone back to his home world and the Vulcans left a few days ago. There was a lot of boring talk about future co-operation should this marauder ever pose a threat again, but whether they meant it is another matter. Shran's decided to stay around to help us track it down."

"How's his antenna doing?" asked Trip, with a smirk.

"It's a small stump at the moment and his sense of balance is completely thrown without it," said Reed.

"Seems kinda weird that losing an antenna would cause so much trouble," said Trip.

"I guess Andorian antennae are like our inner ears, they tell them whether they're upright or not. I can tell you've never had an inner ear infection," said Reed. "Anyway Phlox says it will grow back over about six months."

"Did T'Pol make any progress with the data that we collected on the ship?" asked Trip.

"Actually the Captain has called a meeting for tomorrow to discuss our plan of action," said Reed.

"No one told me," said Trip, indignantly.

"You're still on sick leave," said Reed.

"But Phlox said I could get out of sick bay tomorrow," said Trip.

"To rest in your quarters, not go back to work. I don't think you realise just how close to dying you came. If we hadn't got out of that side chamber when we did then I might not be talking to you now. Phlox said another fifty rads…"

"Yeah, yeah. Another brush with death to add to my list," said Trip. "I'm not letting that ship get away and if that means that I go back to work then I'll do it. Besides going to a meeting isn't exactly strenuous, is it?"

Reed would have argued further, but he knew better than to try to talk Trip out of something that he'd already decided he needed to do. What harm could going to a meeting do?

* * *

Trip sat nursing his coffee. He tried to remember why he'd been so enthusiastic about coming to this meeting. He still felt sick and Phlox hadn't exactly been thrilled about releasing him from sickbay. To cap it off the one person that he'd been trying to avoid now sat at the head of the table describing her research. She hadn't come to see him once while he'd been in sickbay and that had hurt. Her mumbled protestations about her workload prior to the meeting hadn't fooled Trip, he thought he knew why she'd stayed away. He just needed to be sure now. 

"The drone is being operated by a telepresence unit," said T'Pol.

The meeting snapped into perspective and Trip was wrestled into the present once more. T'Pol had Trip's full attention as she explained that there wasn't anyone on board the ship that Malcolm and he had been exploring. In fact by the end of it he was angry. Malcolm and he had risked their lives to try to find the people who were responsible for the drone and come up with nothing, now T'Pol was telling them that there had been no one to find.

"And the people running it are back on their home world, safe and sound. It doesn't seem fair," said Trip. He could barely get the words out. It really didn't seem fair. They'd been sitting at home watching him and Malcolm crawl over their ship, without endangering themselves even a bit. Trip stared into his coffee and wondered if he could be any more angry at the Romulans.

T'Pol was saying that she could produce another telepresence unit. Which meant that Trip's help would be needed and there went his week's sick leave, like Phlox had ordered. He could see the twelve hour shifts looming in his future. And a lot of time spent with T'Pol. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about that at the moment. Maybe this was his chance to discuss some things with her, get everything out in the open. He thought he knew where this relationship was headed, but perhaps he could confirm it.

Even now he knew he had feelings for the Vulcan. Real feelings. He did love her. He'd admitted that to himself some time ago but it was completely one sided. He'd been getting so many mixed messages from T'Pol that he hadn't known which way was up with her for a long time now. He'd slept with her, but then she'd told him it was an experiment. She'd invited him back to Vulcan to meet her family but then she'd married someone else. Finally, she had separated from her husband, only to tell Trip that she had no time for him. She had gone back to her Vulcan ideology of Surak's teachings. Found religion.

Trip just felt hollow. He hadn't meant to fall for her, and he certainly hadn't meant to fall for her so hard, but it had happened. Now he was wandering around like a love sick teenager. Pining after something that he could never have. He'd had a lot of time to think while he lay recovering from the radiation sickness and he'd come to the conclusion that this couldn't continue, one way or another he had to resolve this thing between T'Pol and himself. The only problem was that T'Pol didn't want to talk. He'd tried to explain to her that he needed to clear things up between them but T'Pol didn't seem to think that they had anything to talk about.

* * *

There were a few incidents that gave him the kick he finally needed to realise that his relationship with T'Pol was going nowhere fast.

First of all there had been the telepresence chair discussion. He felt dizzy as he got up a bit too quickly and T'Pol had showed concern, telling him that Phlox had said he shouldn't be back on duty. He knew he shouldn't be on duty. Hell, if Phlox had his way he would still have been in sickbay, resting under sedation while the remaining radiation left his body. Phlox was still insisting on regular blood tests to monitor the progress of the radiation poisoning, at least it was only once a day now. Trip had never been one to lie around doing nothing though so having an excuse to ignore the doctor's recommendations was his idea of a "get out of jail free" card. Of course he was paying for it, but then he'd expected that too.

What he hadn't expected was for him to bare his heart to T'Pol and for her to tell him that the only thing she'd thought about when death threatened was whether to transfer power to the deflector or not. It made him feel a complete fool for ever believing that she'd loved him. Maybe she never had. He knew what he'd thought about as the radiation increased and signalled his impending death. He'd thought about T'Pol, her lips, her body, her quick wit that she let so few people see. He'd wished he could see her one last time and just tell her that he loved her.

Later T'Pol had stopped him in the corridor to tell him that he was letting his emotions interfere with his work. He knew he wasn't. He would never let anything interfere with his work. If Malcolm had been the one who had proposed testing the telepresence chair then he would have said the same thing. He was the one who had put the damn thing together and should be the one to test his work. He could have fooled himself into believing that, if he hadn't know that it was a lie. He loved T'Pol and didn't want to see her hurt, ever. It was something dangerous that they were playing with here and he would never have wanted anyone he loved to be the test subject, but he had no choice. T'Pol was stubborn and, as first officer, technically outranked him. Her arguments were also annoyingly logical which didn't help his case.

The final straw was Phlox lecturing him on unrequited love being universal and having no cure. It was Phlox's fault! He'd been the one who had suggested neuropressure. Protestations about Trip having trouble sleeping didn't go over well, he was sure that Phlox had known what he was doing. It just made it all the more clear to Trip that he had to find some way to move on. T'Pol had ignored his worried looks and done her own thing as always. She knew how he felt and had chosen not to reciprocate. Trip respected her need to take time to look at her Vulcan heritage but he'd given her time and he was tired of waiting. At every turn she made it obvious that he wasn't important to her. Duty came first with T'Pol and it looked as if it always would.

He found himself performing tasks twice and going over everything again and again because he knew his concentration just wasn't where it was supposed to be at the moment. The amount of work that he did halved.

It was when he was taking apart the telepresence chair to give Phlox back his sickbay that he found a mistake. It was his mistake. No one else had worked on this system. He double checked just to be sure but, no, it really was there and he hadn't seen it. Ten percent! A ten percent phase variance and he hadn't caught it. It could have caused the problems that they had and he hadn't even thought to perform a diagnostic. If this carried on then he was going to kill someone. It wasn't safe for him to be around T'Pol any longer if this was the kind of thing that happened. He no longer had the luxury of time to think about things.

He picked up the padd and wrote a scathing report of his own performance. He read it through once, before forwarding it to the Captain and waiting for the inevitable summons for a reprimand. As he waited he knew he had to leave Enterprise, get away from the source of all his pain. She was eating away at him and if he let her then over time there would be nothing left of him.

* * *

He had the whole speech planned out but when it came to it, all he could do was mutter his request for a transfer. His voice suddenly had lost all it's brash boldness and he was left with a whisper. He'd expected the Captain to shout at him, condemn him for the terrible mistake that he'd made, but that didn't happen. Archer had checked with Phlox. Like the professional that he was, he wasn't going to reprimanded one of his men for a mistake that wasn't really as serious as Trip had portrayed. Archer wasn't going to let his friend martyr himself or get a permanent reprimand on his record for a mistake which no one else would have spotted. Archer recognised Trip's report for the self-condemnation that it was.

Trip had been approached by the Columbia at least twice to leave Enterprise and become their Chief Engineer. He didn't have any wish to leave at that point, his friends were on Enterprise and it was home. He hadn't given the post a second thought until recently, then the last request had come through a couple of weeks ago, just before his away mission to the drone. This time he hadn't replied immediately to say he wasn't interested, it had sat in his in box, waiting to be dealt with and looking at him. He had been surprised that he hadn't yet turned it down, but something had stopped him from dismissing the transfer so easily this time.

He uttered the words without any enthusiasm, knowing how his friend would take them. This had always been the two of them together, against the universe. Even when they'd had their problems, Trip had known that they would work them through and never contemplated leaving. Now, it was like Trip was insulting his Captain personally. But his position was untenable. He couldn't continue to see T'Pol every day, knowing that he would never be with her. Knowing that she didn't love him but he had given her his heart. Space was the only way he had of lessening the pain and space was at a premium on Enterprise.

People thought that Trip was a ladies man. In fact that was mostly incorrect, his honourable nature had stopped him more than once. He liked to flirt and be friendly, but he'd only ever had three serious relationships in his entire life. When he committed to someone, that was it. As far as he was concerned you gave yourself to one person exclusively. If he gave his body to a person then they also got his soul, which was what had happened with T'Pol. He had tried to brush their encounter off as a one night stand, but it wasn't and he couldn't fool himself into believing that it had been. It had never been like this with anyone else, he'd got over them all, eventually. T'Pol was special and that was why everything was so hard now. He couldn't believe that she didn't feel the same way.

But apparently she didn't feel the same way. So he mumbled his way through some half-hearted answers to the Captain's questions and then left as quickly as possible. He'd known the Captain's plan as he got down the decanter and a couple of glasses - talk it out with Trip over a glass of scotch, find out what's really bothering him, and he'd known that he couldn't do that at the moment. Everything was going to hell. He was leaving a ship that he loved and the look on the Captain's face told him that he felt hurt and didn't understand why. The Captain would approve his request for transfer because he knew Trip didn't want to stay, and Archer wouldn't want Trip to be unhappy.

He couldn't tell Archer the real reason behind the transfer request. Trip was very private about his personal life and he didn't want people finding out that he was pining for the Science Officer. He was sure that people would laugh at him behind his back for ever believing that he could have a relationship with a Vulcan. It was just downright embarrassing having to explain to your superior that you wanted to leave because you'd fallen in love with the First Officer and couldn't get past it. Malcolm was the only one who knew the truth, although there were enough rumours floating around that he was sure a few people would guess. He didn't want to get T'Pol into trouble either and he was sure that Archer wouldn't be pleased if he ever found out what had been going on.

After Trip left the Captain's quarters he headed down to Engineering and worked a straight twenty-four hours. It was only because Phlox tracked him down and told him to rest that he stopped then. It didn't make him feel any better, but it did tire him out so that he could sleep when he finally collapsed on his bunk. Phlox had lectured him on mistreating his weakened body but Trip couldn't have cared less at that point.

* * *

"You know you're an idiot," said Malcolm as he sat playing Go with Trip after he'd recovered from his twenty-four hour shift.

"Yes," replied Trip, without even looking up at his friend. That was the way this game was going, Malcolm would talk and Trip would give monosyllabic answers. Trip was also losing which was very unusual for him as the recognised Go master on Enterprise.

"Did you even stop to think that you have a lot of friends on board who are going to miss you," said Malcolm.

"Yes," replied Trip.

"Is that all you're going to say?"

"Hess has got a going away party planned for me next week in the mass hall," supplied Trip.

"I'm aware of that," replied Malcolm, as he placed another counter on the board. "What I want to know is why you're letting T'Pol drive you away from all the other good things that Enterprise has to offer?"

"Because I've got no choice," said Trip. He placed his black counter to secure an area of territory.

"There is always a choice. When people say they have no choice, they usually mean that they don't like the choice that they've made or they couldn't be bothered to work out what the other choices were," said Malcolm.

"I know what my other choices were and believe me this was the best of them," replied Trip. "I was getting complacent here anyway. I know the engine and all her little foibles like the back of my hand, it's time I shook things up a bit."

"But only a couple of weeks ago you were talking about high warp tests and squeezing another point five out of the engine," said Reed.

"I can do all that just as well on Columbia and they need someone with experience," said Trip.

"That's all a front and we both know it," said Reed. "You love this ship."

"The problem isn't that I love the ship," mumbled Trip.

"The Captain came and asked me if I knew why you wanted to leave," said Reed.

Trip's head snapped up. "What did you say?"

"I told him that you hadn't confided in me why you wanted the transfer. Which is true. I'm just making educated guesses as to why you want to leave, but I'm fairly certain they're on the money."

Trip sighed. "Yeah, they are."

"Throwing yourself into your work won't make your problems go away. What you did was stupid. You're still recovering from the radiation sickness," said Reed.

"It may be stupid but it makes the time go by faster," said Trip. "T'Pol told me that she has no time for me, so now I have no time for her."

"That's not the way to handle this and neither is running away," said Reed.

"With respect, Malcolm, I am not going to listen to relationship advice from the man who wrote to half the girls in San Francisco about how they'd got him all wrong," said Trip. "And I'm not running away, I just know when to cut my losses."

"I think you're making a mistake," said Reed.

"You can't run a ship with the Chief Engineer and First Officer arguing all the time," replied Trip.

"Why not? We did before," retorted Reed.

"It wasn't the same. Just drop it, okay?"

"Fine," said Reed. But it wasn't and he wasn't sure it would ever be fine again if Trip left. Trip was his friend, his best friend on the crew and if he left, he wasn't sure what he'd do. Probably get into a lot less trouble without his self-proclaimed partner in crime, but something in his life would be missing. "You know you called out for her while you were delirious," said Reed.

Trip looked up again and straight into Reed's piercing stare. "That's the problem, Malcolm, I called out and she never came."


	2. No Time

No Time

By Thalia Drogna

* * *

You say your days are ordinary  
And no one ever thinks about you  
But we're all the same  
And she can hardly breathe without you 

She says she has no time  
For you now  
She says she has no time

She Has No Time, Keane

* * *

She didn't know what to do. There was pain and it wouldn't stop. It was a feeling unlike any other that she'd ever experienced. It was concern, and she recognized it because it wasn't the first time that she had felt it for Commander Tucker. At first it had been easily suppressed but her recent experiments with Trellium had caused huge sea-changes in her emotional tides. She wanted to run to him and hold him in her arms but that would go against everything that she had been trying to achieve. She had to remain strong and faithful to her Vulcan nature, just as Surak taught. 

But just one visit couldn't hurt surely. If she reassured herself that he was indeed going to be fine, then she could return to her work and renew her concentration. That was how she had ended up making her way down to sickbay after she heard that he had been moved there from decon. Lieutenant Reed had finally left his self-assigned post at the Commander's side to change his clothes, take a shower and get some proper sleep. T'Pol had been grateful when she'd heard that someone was staying with Trip, she knew that radiation poisoning was extremely unpleasant and the support of a friend would help him through the worst. If she couldn't be there, then Reed was a good substitute.

He was sleeping when she arrived in sickbay. She didn't go over to the bed, instead she sought out Phlox and asked him for an update on the Commander's condition. Phlox gave her his vital statistics as if he was talking to another doctor, knowing that T'Pol was well versed in human biology. It wasn't what she wanted to hear though. She wanted to know how he felt and how he was doing, not a series of numbers. The numbers told her that he was recovering but they said nothing about his state of mind.

"He was asking for you, according to Lieutenant Reed," said Phlox.

"He was delirious at the time," said T'Pol, looking over the records and giving no indication that she was at all concerned for the patient in anything other than a professional capacity. "When will he be able to return to duty?"

"I'd like to keep him in sickbay for another few days. After that perhaps a week of bed rest and he should be able to return to work," said Phlox.

"I see. He will not be able to attend a meeting tomorrow then? To discuss the drone and the information which he downloaded from it?"

"He's had a very serious illness, T'Pol, and despite what he would like to believe, his body needs time to recover."

T'Pol nodded her understanding. Trip had nearly died on the Romulan drone. He had come closer than anyone was admitting, even Phlox. Another fifty rads and he would more than likely have died before Phlox could treat him. Suddenly it was as if the sickbay walls were closing in around her and she had to get out.

"Excuse me, Doctor, I must return to my analyses of the information on the drone," she murmured and bolted for the door. She didn't realize that Trip had seen her hurried exit, and would have been even less inclined to stay had she known.

She stopped outside the sickbay doors in the empty corridor and tried to compose herself to face the crew. Why did he mean so much to her still, when even now she was trying to put the mistake of this relationship behind her? Why couldn't she shake the emotions that she was feeling? Why was it so hard to breathe when he wasn't with her? She felt the stirrings of anger within herself at her lack of control and then bewilderment that she should feel anger. Emotions triggered other emotions, she had found and every time she experienced this phenomenon she marveled how humans weren't completely overwhelmed. She longed for the iron control that she had once possessed and again wondered how she could live the remainder of her life without it.

The Kir'shara was her life line. The rock she clung to in a stormy sea. Her studies were not only about her Vulcan heritage but also about herself. She hoped that the Kir'shara would impart the wisdom that she needed in order to survive the emotional tumult that assailed her at every turn on Enterprise. She had begun to see everyday as a test of her Vulcan-ness. And Commander Tucker was the biggest test. If she could look at him and feel nothing then she would have attained her goal and she could once again call herself Vulcan.

She took a deep breath, smoothed down her uniform and set off down the corridor towards the Command Centre. She chanted a Vulcan meditation under her breath quietly as she walked, using it to strengthen her resolve and emotional control. She intended to put more distance between herself and the Commander, both actually and metaphorically. It was the only way that she could see of surviving as a Vulcan and being true to her people.

* * *

Trip was persistent, T'Pol thought. Even as she watched him building the telepresence chair she could see that he was not fully well, yet he was here working as if he hadn't nearly died three days ago. She still had no trouble seeing the many good qualities in him that had drawn her to him during those long dark weeks in the Expanse. Of all the humans that she had met, he was the one that she found most interesting and still didn't really understand. She once again pushed away the feelings that she had felt for him and buried them deeply. He got up from underneath the chair and swayed a little, leaning against the frame to get his balance once more. 

Before her brain had caught up with her mouth she had told him that he should not be working. She didn't understand why she had said it. It was logical for him to work. He was needed and no one else could do what he was doing. No one else had the knowledge. A Vulcan would be doing exactly the same thing. She was momentarily annoyed by her slip into human mannerisms and her brief lack of thought. However it was only a small adjustment to return her thinking to logical Vulcan paths and when he asked her what she had thought about when close to death she had no trouble answering him with an unemotional response. Of course it was a lie.

During the incident that she had mentioned, she hadn't just thought about transferring power, she had been concerned for the crew. Everyone had been experiencing the effects of exposure to the area of space around the sphere, their skin cracking painfully like an old oil painting. She had looked over for a moment and seen Trip's beautiful skin damaged by the forces they were up against and been upset. She had thought about what it would have been like to spend the rest of their lives together and hoped that she would yet be given the chance find out. It had been one thought among many but it had been there. However T'Pol now firmly believed that then was a different T'Pol, and she needed to forget that T'Pol in order to move on. Everyone had done things in the Expanse that they were not proud of and her relationship with Trip was one of those things. At least she didn't have the skeletons that the Captain now had to deal with.

Trip was becoming more and more emotional as she became less so. He had argued with her about who should be first to use the telepresence chair. It was only logical that she should be the one to use the chair as she was the only telepath on board Enterprise. She refused to admit to herself that she didn't want Trip to use the chair because she worried that it would harm his delicate human mind. Trip's mind was a wonderful thing, able to see solutions where no one else could. Quick at mental arithmetic and able to frame arguments in compelling terms that T'Pol found challenging to refute. She had spent some time in enjoyable discussions with him. This was her risk to take, not his, and nothing he could say was going to stop her from being the one to test the chair.

She passed him later in the corridor. He obviously didn't want to talk to her but she had to raise her concerns. They parted less than amicably and T'Pol wished that she had just walked past him down the corridor. They both knew that he was lying when he said his feelings were purely professional, his whole manner screamed his emotions at her. Every time they crossed paths they seemed to end up arguing these days and she hoped it would get better soon. It was making it very hard to concentrate on her work.

* * *

The Captain called her into his Ready Room. When she entered he was standing at the window looking out at the stars going by. Given their recent success with the Aenar and destruction of the Romulan drone, she had expected to find him in a good mood, but he seemed to be unhappy and thoughtful rather than elated. 

"Trip has asked to be reassigned," said Archer, in a voice that she could barely hear. "Columbia offered him the position of chief engineer and he's decided to take it."

T'Pol's heart skipped a beat, a cold weight settling on her chest. This was completely unexpected. "Did he give a reason?" she asked, dreading her Captain's reply.

"No, he wouldn't say why. He wouldn't say much at all. He's already turned down Columbia twice before, I don't know why he's decided to accept it now," replied Archer. "There's more to this than he's telling me but if Trip doesn't want to talk about something then no one will make him. We've had our differences recently so maybe that's part of it, but I'm sure that there's something more. He came to me with a scathing report on his work on the telepresence chair. Phlox told me that he'd worked just as hard as always and must still be feeling pretty awful from the radiation sickness. He was condemning himself for nothing. I never thought I'd say this but I don't know what's going on with him at the moment. We used to be so close."

"His presence will be missed," said T'Pol.

"The Admiral sent me a list of possible replacements, I'd like you to look over them and see what you think. The top brass want us back home for the launch of Columbia. We're going to drop Trip off and then they have a new mission for us. We don't have much time to find a replacement Chief Engineer, so our choices are a bit limited. None of the candidates have Trip's experience, but we'll just have to make do with what we've got."

"I will review the candidates," said T'Pol. "Was there anything else?"

"No, dismissed," said Archer. He went back to staring out of the window and T'Pol left wondering if she was the only one who would be adversely effected by Trip's departure.

The foundations of her world had been shaken. It was as if all the rules had suddenly changed. She had never actually believed that Trip would leave Enterprise. She had hoped that given time, they would be able to resolve things between them, or that she could find a way to incorporate her illogical love for a human into her Vulcan soul. She had no evidence that he loved her, he had never told her that he did, and whilst that was the case, she could deny her own feelings for him.

She had told him that she needed time and now suddenly there was no more time. She wasn't ready to face her feelings for Trip and now she wouldn't have to. He was removing the problem. It was because of her that he was leaving, it had to be. It was the only reason he would leave a job and ship that he loved. There was no career advancement in a transfer to Columbia so there had to be another reason why he was leaving and she seriously doubted that it had anything to do with his differences with the Captain.

She was driving him away from everything that he loved and it was all her fault. This was the end of everything.

* * *

I don't know your thoughts these days  
We're strangers in an empty space  
I don't understand your heart  
It's easier to be apart

We Might as Well be Strangers – Keane

* * *


End file.
